Navigating Conflicting Family Beliefs and Values During Holiday Visits
Family get-togethers during the holidays can be a great time to catch up, celebrate, and relax. But when personal values and beliefs clash with family members, it can be very stressful.
Family get-togethers during the holidays can be a great time to catch up, celebrate, and relax. But when personal values and beliefs clash with family members, it can be very stressful. This can be particularly challenging for second-generation Americans or those whose values have evolved differently from their family’s traditions. If you feel torn between honoring your family’s customs and staying true to your beliefs, you’re not alone. With some preparation and self-compassion, I hope these tips help you navigate the holidays a little smoother. And remember, these differences don’t diminish the importance of family.
Example 1: Second-Generation Americans Straddling Cultural Norms
More than half of adults in the second generation consider themselves to be a “typical American” while also having a strong sense of identity with their ancestral roots. This can feel like balancing between two worlds: adopting the culture and social patterns of where you live while engaging in those of your family’s culture of origin. You might feel pressure to honor family traditions even though they might not always align with your beliefs. This tension can be particularly difficult visiting family over the holidays.
Example 2: Differing Political, Social, or Religious Views
It’s common for family members to hold different political, social, or religious views. Whether these differences stem from generational gaps, cultural shifts, or individual life experiences, they can create friction and conflict during family visits. Seemingly innocent conversations can quickly turn into tense debates. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed in these moments, especially when you're trying to keep the peace.
Example 3: Diverse Lifestyles or Career Choices
For some, the differences are less about beliefs and more about lifestyle choices. Choosing an unexpected career, moving out of state, waiting to have children, or not wanting children can cause equal stress as the above examples. Having the same conversation for the 100th time can affect the entire visit. It’s natural to feel defensive here, but it’s important to remember the goal of maintaining peace without losing your sense of self.
5 Practical Tips for Managing These Complex Situations:
1.Know Your Boundaries Ahead of Time
Before any gathering, take time to identify which topics or situations you’re comfortable engaging with and which you’d prefer to avoid. Think through how you’d like to navigate tricky conversations, whether that’s preparing neutral responses, redirecting the discussion, or saying you prefer not to get into those debates. Practicing these strategies ahead of time can help you stay grounded and manage sensitive issues.
2.Approach with Curiosity and Empathy
While it can be tempting to defend your point of view, try shifting your approach to one of curiosity and empathy. Ask questions to understand where your family members are coming from, even if you disagree. This approach can help de-escalate potential conflicts and build mutual understanding.
3.Prepare an Exit Strategy
If certain conversations or situations become too intense, have a polite way to step away. It could be as simple as taking a break in another room, going for a short walk, or volunteering to make the battery run for the inevitable toy that didn’t come with any. Planning this beforehand can prevent you from feeling trapped if things get overwhelming.
4.Check In with How You’re Doing
First thing each morning, throughout the day, or hourly if needed, check in with how you’re feeling. What are the emotions you’re feeling and how intense are they? What do you need that day or that moment? Stopping to notice and name how you’re feeling and noting the intensity level can really help you feel more like yourself and can help you prepare for the moment. This can also be a great time to practice relaxation exercises.
5.Schedule Post-Visit Self-Care Time
After a family gathering, plan some time for self-care to decompress and process any difficult interactions. Whether it’s journaling, meditating, or engaging in a favorite hobby, taking time for yourself afterward can help you return to your routine with a renewed sense of peace.
MEET THE AUTHOR
Jason Stewart MS,PCC | Graduate Student Intern
Jason is our master’s level intern nearing the end of his MA degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Regent University. With a Master of Science degree in Positive Psychology, he brings a unique perspective to his counseling approach. For over five years, Jason served as an executive leadership coach, assisting clients in surpassing their goals and finding fulfillment in their lives, working with a multicultural and diverse population spanning 15 different countries. However, he discovered an innate passion and purpose for supporting adult clients through the journey of restoration and flourishing within counseling.