Social Anxiety + Taking Up Space
Have you ever found yourself saying “yes” to too many things, feeling uncomfortable about something but going along with it because you didn’t want to “rock the boat”, or feeling like you can’t really be yourself with someone because they won’t like the “real you”?Social anxiety is the feeling that you don’t belong, the belief that you won’t be accepted as you are, and the idea that you need to put on an act to “trick” other people into being your friend. It’s the thought that “If they got to know the real me, I wouldn’t be welcome here”. These feelings, beliefs, and thoughts aren’t necessarily true, but they feel true. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) identifies that our brains use shortcuts to help us get through life, but that sometimes this mental corner-cutting can lead to inaccuracies in the way we view ourselves and the world. We call these shortcuts “cognitive distortions”, or you may know them as “stinking thinking”. The one we’ll focus on today is “emotional reasoning”. Emotional reasoning happens when you come to a belief based on how you feel, instead of what the evidence points to. For example: you’re at a party and you don’t know most of the people, so you feel uncomfortable. You come to the conclusion that “nobody wants me here”, and leave early. You arrived at that conclusion because you felt uncomfortable, but what happens if we look at the evidence? In this example, let’s assume you were invited to the party by a friend, and you were talking with that friend and with someone you were just introduced to. Is there any evidence that indicates the thought “nobody wants me here” is true? No, in fact, the evidence suggests that your presence is wanted! If we take a moment to examine the evidence, and remember that everyone feels uncomfortable in unfamiliar or new situations, you can enjoy the party knowing that it’s unfamiliar, but that you’re welcome and wanted, despite feeling uncomfortable. By examining the evidence and coming to a more nuanced conclusion, we have just successfully used CBT’s “cognitive restructuring” tool: a helpful tool for challenging “stinking thinking”. Let’s examine some more evidence:Social anxiety lies, making you feel that you can’t show up as your true self and be welcomed in. But you are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14), worthy of love and belonging just as you are. Because you exist, you deserve to take up space. This includes the physical space your body occupies, but extends out to your contributions, thoughts, and ideas. You are allowed to take up space by telling someone “no”, by “rocking the boat” and saying you don’t feel comfortable with something, or by being your true, authentic self. By doing this, you allow people to get to know the real you, and only then can true connection, which is vital for our health and wellbeing, really begin. 
MEET THE AUTHOR
Madeline Verdesca, Masters Level Clinician
Madeline joins Renovating Hope Counseling with over four years of experience working with individuals and families in a variety of settings including hospital and community mental health. She believes every person brings a unique point of view to the counseling room and that each person is inherently valuable and has the capacity for growth, joy, and true fulfillment. Madeline practices from a client-centered approach, and she utilizes Cognitive Behavioral (CBT) and Experiential Therapy techniques, with a trauma-informed approach.
