Parenting with Teens
Parenting is never easy, and parenting a teenager is something else, entirely. Maybe this is all new, and you and your teen are walking through it for the first time together. Maybe you’re a seasoned veteran, but this time, for some reason, it’s different.
Parenting is never easy, and parenting a teenager is something else, entirely. Maybe this is all new, and you and your teen are walking through it for the first time together. Maybe you’re a seasoned veteran, but this time, for some reason, it’s different.
We’re here to help.
Every teenager is different, and every parent has their own parenting style, but there are a few key things to keep in mind that can help you move forward with hope and confidence.
Set expectations for behaviors, and make sure they are SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. Your teen can only succeed if they know what success looks like. Sometimes we feel we have communicated our expectations clearly, though in reality we have left much up to personal interpretation. You don’t want your teen to misinterpret what you want from them.
For example, say you want your teen to “do more chores around the house”. Your teen may understand your general desire for them to help out a little more, but without SMART parameters, this is an unclear goal. We need to make it more precise so everyone in the household knows what success and failure look like.
To change this into a SMART expectation, we would adjust this to “Rachel is expected to empty the dishwasher on weeknights, and have all clothes picked up from the floor of her room before she goes to bed every night”. In this case, Rachel knows exactly what she needs to do to meet this expectation, and it is clear when she has failed to meet the expectation.
Another example could be wanting your teen to have a “clean room”. Make sure you have communicated exactly what your teen needs to do to meet your expectation of a “clean room”. Does having a clean room mean no clothes on the floor? That they’ve vacuumed that week? Do they need to dust surfaces, remove dishes, and wipe down surfaces? Make sure you’re all on the same page about what is expected from them, and this will help them succeed.
Maintain these expectations with a consistent structure of rewards and consequences. Consistency is key. If unwanted behaviors are only met with consequences some of the time but not every time, this leads to confusion and frustration in your teen, and this will show up in their behavior. If you want your teen to succeed, it is crucial that you respond to their behaviors with consistent rewards and consequences every time.
Let’s use another example, and let’s use the above expectation for Rachel and her chores. Rewards and consequences are used to help motivate us to meet our goals and expectations. I always recommend that the reward and the consequence are personalized to each individual. Let’s say Rachel loves going to her school’s football games on Friday nights with her friends, but her sister Amira doesn’t like sports and prefers playing video games online with her friends from home. A consequence that works to motivate Rachel might not motivate Amira at all, and vice versa. A helpful consequence for Rachel might be that she is not allowed to attend that week’s football game if she fails to empty the dishwasher that week as expected. It also works as a reward for when she completes the chore successfully. For Amira, a helpful consequence for her might be that she is not allowed to play online games with her friends on the days that her room is not clean, and that a reward for completing her chore is to have designated time playing with her friends online.
Setting clear expectations with consistent rewards and consequences will help you spend less time explaining to your teen why they don’t get to go to Friday’s game until you’re blue in the face and spend more time on things you love, like quality time. A great way to make sure everyone’s on board with the new expectations is to make a chore or behavior chart, depending on what you’re looking for. You can list every task or behavior and its designated reward or consequence. When you keep this in a highly visible spot, you can just point the teen to the chart when there is a discrepancy, and your work is done.
Lastly, mindfulness is important. Not just for your teen (though that’s good, too), but for you! Because don’t forget, teens can smell fear. Just kidding, but they have a tendency to respond better to calm, confident leadership and not as much when we lose our cool. So take a deep breath (take ten or more, if needed), or take a break to let your nervous system de-escalate if you feel like you’re starting to get frustrated. Most of us need 20-45 minutes (sometimes more!) to leave our “fight or flight brain” and get our “best self brain” back online. You and your teen will both thank you for it later.
Hopefully, these tips can help give you a place to start, and don’t forget that you and your teen are both learning as you go, and with time and practice you can figure out a routine and rhythm that works for you.
MEET THE AUTHOR
Madeline Verdesca, Masters Level Clinician
Madeline joins Renovating Hope Counseling with over four years of experience working with individuals and families in a variety of settings including hospital and community mental health. She believes every person brings a unique point of view to the counseling room and that each person is inherently valuable and has the capacity for growth, joy, and true fulfillment. Madeline practices from a client-centered approach, and she utilizes Cognitive Behavioral (CBT) and Experiential Therapy techniques, with a trauma-informed approach.